Confessions of a diagnosed workaholic

I feel as a cliché to start my very first blog post talking about, well, blogging. At the same time, what's the point of having the space for my own thoughts, when I can't even indulge myself with some metalinguistics every now and then? Let's proceed, then, shall we?

Ever since I started letting my impulses dictate what I would learn next, I've been noticing an increasingly dominating trend: the amount of time spent on planning, managing, and organizing projects and ideas is on a downward spiral, while I spend most of my time building, studying, designing them. Of course, I have found out, by now, that I am a learn-by-doing kind of person, so it shouldn't have come as a surprise. But, yet, it did. In the search for new, more intricate challenges to take on, I realize now that the search itself contains most of the fun, to the point where having to repeat a process is such a pain in the ass (yes, there will be slurs in this blog, get used to it) that I'd rather waste time on automating it than save time by just doing it again.

Every day, I wake up wondering "what am I going to build today?", and it is tormenting me. I have learnt to love what I do - and it is slowly killing me inside. My hobbies have been enduring constant abandonment and postponing because the only thrill I seek is the one stemming from discovery and invention. I shouldn't have to build anything to feel satisfied with myself, and, yet, through tortuous ways, I keep allowing an insane brain to find tortuous (and torturous) ways to drive me back to text editors, command prompts, virtual servers, and databases, only to become disinterested as soon as it approaches completion. This blog is one of them: there are probably thousands of free services ready to host blogs in the web, but, of course, I had to pick a self-hosted one. Now that it is nearly ready to be published, I realize I'm a rather ordinary young man with even more uninteresting thoughts to share, and only dive deeper into learning and building things that I don't really need to do (such as adding a SSL certificate, does a blog really need encryption?). Writing posts, therefore, has been relegated as unimportant. I have already interrupted this activity at least 5 times. I wouldn't be surprised if this is the first and last blog post ever written in this page, despite the fact I just bought this domain for a whole year.

I don't know for long I will be able to sustain this routine. I particularly enjoy being self-driven, but, as of right now, I need to find balance.

Tags: workaholic 

 

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